TOPIC: PE Jokes

Not exactly PE related either, but it brought a laugh. An army sergeant walks into a whorehouse and approaches the madam and says, "My name is Sgt Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!" The madam immediately escorts the soldier upstairs and selects the best call girl they have for him.
Sgt Major Dick immediately disrobes and is standing with his hands on his hips while he looks at the prostitute waiting for him on the bed. He says, "My name is Sgt Dick, been in the army thirty years, and I'm a master of my mind and body, Dick, ATTEN-SHUN. Immediately his penis becomes instantly Erect!
The prostitute is in awe and asks how he can do it. The Sgt Major replies, "Like I said, I've been in the army thirty years and I have total control over my mind and body, Dick, AT EASE." His penis immediately goes limp.
The prostitute still can't get over what she saw and asks him to make it hard then soft then hard again.
She asks him again how he does it. The Sgt Major shouts, "I have already told you honey, I have been in the army thirty years, and I am master of my mind and body, Dick, ATTEN-SHUN. His penis goes instantly hard. Then he gives the following command, "Dick- AT EASE!" The Sgt Major looks down and is amazed to see his penis is fully Erect. The Sgt Major is now fuming, and says, "I'm going to tell you one more time, Dick-AT EASE!" No luck. His penis is still hard. He yells "God Dammit!" and moves to the side of the bed and starts to masturbate vigorously.
The prostitute asks, "What the hell is going on?"
The Sgt Major replies, "This soldier disobeyed a direct order, and I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!"

Last one from me for a little while, heading out on vacation. - BB

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying Erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent Urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife, "you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis." The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"

One day God came to Adam for a brief discussion. "I've got some good news and some bad news." God said.

Adam looked thoughtfully at his maker and replied, "Please give me the good news first."

Smiling, God explained, "I've created two new organs for you. One is called a brain. This organ will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and carry on productive conversations with Eve. The other organ is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your intelligent life form and begin populating the planet. Eve will be very pleased that you are now equipped with this organ as she will be able to conceive children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great and wonderful gifts you have given me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

God then looked upon Adam, and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."

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Read in this order.

What's the difference between white onions, purple onions, and a 10 Inch Dick? Nothing, they all make a woman's eyes water.

Precious!

A man is showering in a locker room withhis buddy when he notices his friend
is very well endowed. 'Damn, Bob , you're hung!' Jim exclaims.

'I wasn't always this impressive; I had to
work for it.'

'What do you mean?' Jim asked.

'Well, every day for the past two years
I've spent an hour each night rubbing it
with butter. I know it sounds crazy but
it actually made it grow 4 inches! You
should try it.

Jim agrees and the two depart.

A few months later the two are back in the
same locker room and Bob asks Jim
how his situation was.

Jim replied, 'I did what you said, Bob,
but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost
two inches already!'

'Did you do everything I told you? An
hour each day with butter?'

'Well, I don't use butter, I've beenusing Crisco.'

'Crisco!!' Bob exclaimed.
\/\/\/\/
\/
'Damn it, Jim,

Crisco is shortening!'

Ouch!

A guy can't obtain an Erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery. The guy asks what the surgery is. The doctor tells him they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephants trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best. The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead. The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "try out his new equipment". The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants. His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!".

Thanks Androgen (male hormone). Haha. If it weren't for BB, this section would be a drag.

@biggerbob
Good idea mate! Actually, laughter improves erectile health! Keep em' coming!

@SO
Classic!